makebelieveme

i'm not a bad person. i am not an approachable or unfriendly person.

but the way that i've been treated makes me feel like that's how people see me. it's wrong.

i've given up on deep and meaningful friendships. i just want to hang out and have fun with a group of people. i've given up on trying to be the catalyst in keeping a friendship alive. i've done all i can do. i don't know how much i care anymore.

i've made friends with some amazing people this past year (at school). but it's not the kind of friendships i've had before. but maybe this more laid-back-type crew will be better for me than trying to actually trust and depend on people. anyway, not all of my "friends" are the type that i can call when i have a problem or want to just hug someone, but they are people that i think genuinely like me and i feel like i can be myself around. but yeah it's summer now, which i wished for only a month ago, and now i hate it. i'd rather be at school.

i don't want to settle for less than what i believe i deserve. i hate change, especially when something that was perfect changes for the worst. i don't want to settle for less than what will make me happy. i want to be considerate. i want other people to be considerate of my feelings.

part of me feels like i am getting majorly depressed again, but i don't want to admit it or deal with it. between class and work, so much of my day is occupied and it is hard to make time for other things. when i get home and have nothing to do but sit around by myself, that sucks pretty bad. it also sucks to see how other people are and wonder why it can't be that way for me.

i hate my job in the lab. its only my second year there, but now i don't think i want to do this as a career. but with my stupid major, there aren't many jobs out there unless you get a phd - which i don't intend on doing. at least i haven't until this point. now i figure i will just take the GREs, see how well i do, apply to some schools far away and start my life over.

or maybe not.

none of that was throughly thought out, so don't take offense and don't judge me. sometimes you just need to get it out.

so i'm thinking about getting into this again. writing in a real journal is good but i like getting feedback from people.

my life is pretty good right now. stressful at times but i am finally learning how to do things for myself. not independently, but for my own good.

this has been a good year; i've probably made more friends this year than the past two. and i think i am doing my best academic work.

i still have the problem of shutting my brain off, so maybe this would be good to do once in a while.

input?

from now on, this will be friends only. so to read, you have to be on my friends list and logged in. add me and i'll add you back.

some days are just completely wasted. i feel like i sustain disappointment after disappointment until i just break down. and i never broke down as much as i do now. i find something to look forward to and hold on to and build it up so much that there's no way i won't be disappointed. there's something about staying in the house all day that really isn't good for me. i need to be out and doing things or just have a change of scenery. it's hard when there isn't much to do and things cost so much money. and i feel so lazy and ungrateful for what people do for me, i don't know how to show my gratitude. i am so weak and pathetic. i want to be such a good person. i let people walk all over me. and i get too worked up over some things, to the point where i can't breathe or think or stop shaking and i just have to lay down and sleep to make myself stop. i really need to do something to change.

- C

well, this is a new journal, a fresh start. i don't know about making a friends list and all that, since most people don't even update anymore. this is just a new, clean place to put my thoughts.

more later.
- C