makebelieveme

Dear K,

I don`t think I know exactly what to say, but, at the same time, I can`t say I have to. You`re not here. You`re not listening. So what does it matter?

It does, still. To me. And, god, I can`t figure out why.

Why you. Why me. Why us, why here, why now.

I haven`t found the answers yet. I`ve looked, for months and weeks, while you stared at me with pretty brown eyes and looked on, oblivious, I struggled to find something. Anything. Something solid and strong enough, something happy and bright and everything I wasn`t.

I haven`t found it.

Maybe you had it, maybe you really did, but you weren`t going to give it to me. Not me.

But-some, at least. Hugs and arms around each other- it was nice, but nothing new from what you gave everyone else.

Still, I felt special. And for once in the longest time- wanted. Like somebody, anybody, out there cared, maybe.

But I don`t know if you care, anymore.

And maybe it`s my fault, because I never said anything, because I`m not who you wanted me to be.

But I can see it, still. It`s a sparkling wonderful never ending never happened that I see every time I close my eyes around you.

Why?

Please, just…

Why?

I don`t think I`ll ever know, but maybe it`s just time I stopped looking.

Love,

     A.

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